5 Ways To Be A Good Friend To A Friend With A Chronic Illness

I have been coping with a chronic illness since I was 14 (that's nearly 16 years for me).  Sometimes people ask what they can do to be supportive.  I appreciate when a friend is thoughtful and shows that they care.  I thought I would share some of the ways my friends have helped me in the past 15 years of coping with my illness.

 Listen.  One of the things I am most grateful for is a sympathetic listener. These are some of the attributes of effective listening:

·         Let your friend express himself freely.  Don’t interrupt.

·         Pay attention to what he is saying instead of thinking about what you should say next.  

·         Don’t feel that you have to provide advice or offer solutions.

·         Do not minimize his condition or compare him to someone else.  Example:  “You’re not the only one with problems.  There are people who are worse off.”  That is not helpful.

·         Do not criticize him for expressing his true emotions.  Crying does not make a man weak.  Being angry does not make a woman vindictive.  Being afraid or sad does not mean a religious person has lost their faith. 

Be considerate. I appreciate it when my friends try to understand what I am going through.  Being considerate can involve the following:

·         Try to imagine what they are going though, what that may involve, and how that may affect them. 

·         Do not be quick to offer medical advice or tell them what you would do in their situation.  It is not your decision.  And you are not in their situation. 

·         Your presence is very important.  But don’t overstay if your friend has little energy to talk or even listen.

·         If you are sick, don’t visit them until you are well.  And try not to go to social occasions where the ill one may be.  They may get sick and stay sick much, much longer than a basically healthy individual.  

Be Encouraging.  I appreciate when people express their confidence in me.  I appreciate it when they recognize my good qualities even through the veil of the illness.  Some ways to accomplish this are:

·         Think of your ill friend as having the same qualities that made you feel drawn to him in the first place.  Keep a positive view of him.

·         Do not speak to him as though he is a helpless victim.  Do not express pity.  Do not treat him as though he is stupid.  Disability does not mean stupid.  And (almost) no one wants to be an object of pity.

·         Tell him you love him and will be there for him.  Follow through.

·         Don’t subtly imply that he’s not doing all that he can.

Be helpful:  Love is an action word.  My friends have shown they love me by being helpful in various ways.  Here are some of those ways:

·         Offer specific help.  Offer to make a meal, clean, do laundry, run errands, go shopping, or drive your friend to a doctor’s visit.  Don’t offer something you cannot actually give.  Follow through.

·         Understand that he may feel ashamed or scared to ask for help.  So think about what he might need and offer over and over, but without being pushy.  (Hard balance, I know).

·         Do not assume you know exactly what your friend needs.  Ask.

·         Wanting to help is good.  But do not take over.  Your ill friend needs to feel competent.  He needs to feel that he is not a victim.  He needs to feel that he is still useful.  Help him to do what he can.

·         Let them make their own decisions and then respect those decisions, even if you disagree.

Stay Connected.  I can’t always have visitors.  But I truly appreciate the cards and emails I receive when I am in the middle of a bad relapse.  Consider this:

·         If you can’t visit try instead to call, write a note, or send an email or text.

·         Do not let fear hold you back.  All of us say and do things that can unintentionally hurt someone.  That is not the problem.  The problem comes when you are so afraid of making mistakes that you stay away from someone who needs you.

I have very good friends.  They show they love me and are considerate all the time.  They listen and provide real help.  I am so grateful for them.

A friend who is seriously ill may need you now more than ever. Prove to be a true companion. You will not be able to fix his situation, but you may make a difficult situation more bearable.  

Coping With Chronic Illness posts: 

It's OK to grieve your losses
Knowledge is power
Do not eat, breathe, and sleep your illness
Part 1 - Friendship is a basic human need (the dilemma)
Part 2 - Friendship is a basic human need (who can be a friend?)
Part 3 - Friendship is a basic human need (10 ways to be a good friend while chronically ill)
Part 4 - Friendship is a basic human need (How to be a friend to a friend who is chronically ill)
2 Reasons why lying keeps you sick
Let go of the dream, accept reality, and be happy (it breaks your heart and then rebuilds it)
Accepting reality - what it does NOT mean
3 Ways to advance in a new direction
18 Ways to ward off sadness
I Can't Do It Alone
Talk.  And Talk Some More.
You Do Not Need To Justify Your Existence
Coping with Chronic Illness - Dealing with Its Unpredictable Nature

Coping With Chronic Illness - Other People Have Problems Too
When I have no brain and no body
Caring too much what people think keeps you sick
Caring too much what people think - how to overcome it.

Energy Economy posts:

How to get food into our mouths while chronically ill part 1
Food part 2
Food part 3
Grocery shopping and chronic illness
Wardrobe considerations for the chronically ill - part 1
Wardrobe considerations for the chronically ill - part 2
15 suggestions for Leaving the house while chronically ill
14 suggestions for cleaning the house while chronically ill
Personal hygiene and chronic illness
Dealing with people while chronically ill
12 Ways to simplify your grooming and dressing routines
10 Ways to COPE with Cognitive Dysfunction (Brain Fog, Fibro Fog)  
10 Ways to COMBAT Cognitive Dysfunction (Brain Fog, Fibro Fog)