Part 1 - Friendship Is A Basic Human Need (The Dilemma)

Personally I know what it is like to lose friends because of my illness. 

Chronic illness can lead to social isolation.

I want to be clear, they weren’t bad people.  But they didn’t understand.  And they didn't really care.   We weren’t going the same direction or at the same speed now.   

 And for me, the friendships were frustrating.  I couldn’t keep up, so I wound up making a lot of excuses.  Then I would push too hard to be with them because I was afraid of losing the friendship.  And then I would have a relapse.  I wound up covering over my illness all the time.  And, what I did explain to them they didn’t really believe.  Not really.  They thought I was faking or attention seeking.  Or they thought I was worthless.  

Closeness cannot continue (at least for me) under these circumstances.  

Now here is the dilemma.  Studies show that there is a very strong link between social isolation and mortality.  One researcher says it is as strong as the relationship between smoking and mortality.  On the flip side, they have proven that social contact improves our health.  The bottom line is: We need Friends.

But you, like I, may have been deeply hurt as you watched friends pull away because of your illness.  It may be scary to let people in now.  I sometimes shy away from making friends because I am sure I will be unable to keep up and will eventually lose them.  But really, that is just me learning the wrong lesson.  The lesson is not to withdraw into myself because all friends will abandon me.  The lesson is to choose my closest friends more carefully. 

To reiterate, I am talking about our closest friends, not people we like but are less intimate with.

The difference between true friends and flaky friends:

Flaky friends make you feel the need to constantly justify yourself or make excuses for your limitations.  They may require you to say you're sorry for something you have no control over.  You may feel you have to act or pretend when you are around them.  You can’t talk openly with them about your illness because they do not understand or try to understand and they do not believe you.  They push you beyond your limits frequently.

Having close friends who don’t really believe you and who refuse to understand hampers your ability to fight your illness.  They demoralize you.  It’s not that we would necessarily throw these people away.  But recognize them for what they are.  And limit your association with them.  There is no requirement that you MUST be close to them.

On the other hand, true friends are invaluable.

1.      They believe you.  Even if they do not totally understand, they believe what you say and that you are really ill.  They show they believe you by their actions and words.

2.      They try to understand.  As with many things in life, you never fully comprehend until you experience it for yourself.  But they can certainly try to understand and be empathetic.

3.      They are loyal.

4.      They do not push you to keep up with them all the time.  They slow down to your pace when they want to be with you.

5.      They should have the same values that you have

6.      They are supportive emotionally.

7.      They love you.  They care whether you live or die.

8.      You do not have to make excuses or justify yourself with them.  They do not require you to apologize for something you have no control over – your illness.

9.      You can talk to them and be yourself with them.

10.  They bring out the best in you.

11.  And they let you give in return.  They don’t feel you have nothing to offer them.  They do not think you’re worthless. 

They will not be perfect.  But someone who really cares and who shows it can do a lot wrong and still be an invaluable friend.   

There has to be a balance between fighting to keep your friendships and knowing when to let go.  When they are damaging you in your very basic fight for life and health it is time to back away.  You may still love them, you just can’t be close anymore.   

Losing damaging friendships has been one of the very hardest things I have ever gone through.  And I still have very mixed feelings.  But it is also one of the biggest things that has helped my healing.  I have seen continued improvement in my mental and physical health since I let go of those damaging friendships and started choosing more wisely. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very sick.  But I have friends who strengthen me for the fight now instead of friends who keep me weak.  

Stick around for Part 2 in this series:Rethink The Term Friend

Also Check out these posts:  

Coping With Chronic Illness - It's Ok To Grieve Your Losses 

Coping With Chronic Illness - Knowledge Is Power 

Coping With Chronic Illness - Energy Economy - Food Matters Parts 1, 2, & 3 

And now it's your turn.  I know this is a pretty universal issue and fraught with emotion.  Are there any suggestions you have for making friendships work?  Won't you share them with us?

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