Friendship Is a Basic Human Need Part 4 - How to be a Good Friend to a Friend Who is Chronically Ill

This post is in response to a reader question, which I loved.  Jo, from All The Blue Day, asked how to be a good friend to a person who has a chronic illness. 

If you know someone with a chronic illness it may be difficult to figure out what to say or what to do to help.  Ultimately, knowing that you genuinely care is the most important thing.  Don’t hold back from them just because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  But, these are some basic ideas that it would be good to consider.  (These are good suggestions whether they are a new acquaintance or an old friend.)

Keep in mind:  This list may seem long, but the suggestions are not very hard.  You are probably already doing several of these things.  Either way, just try to incorporate one suggestion at a time.  

Energy Economy - Dealing With People While Chronically Ill

When you get right down to it, dealing with people can be one of the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining aspects of dealing with your illness.  So, I thought it only right that we cover this under Energy Economy, because if we don’t learn to deal with people more effectively we will have serious problems.  So here are some of my top suggestions.  (Keep in mind that these suggestions are for the masses, the public, not for your close friends or your support system.)

Coping With Chronic Illness - 18 Ways to Ward Off Sadness

Coping With Chronic Illness - How to Ward Off Sadness

It is not practical to expect that every day or every moment I will think positive thoughts.  Dealing with our illnesses is going to get us down sometimes.  And I have periods of time when I do not have the physical, mental, and emotional strength to fight off negative feelings.  That is just life.  Sometimes we don’t so much cope as just exist.

I have done my share of just existing.  And then, when my inner strength has been renewed, I feel like I have to re-learn  how to live and how to cope.   So, I keep lists.  I have lists reminding me what foods I can get for myself at different levels of health.  I have lists reminding me how to be a friend.  I have lists reminding me how to contribute to a good atmosphere in my home life.  And I have a list reminding me of what helps when I am down.  These lists are really plans of action, or battle plans, for when I have the energy to fight.

Energy Economy - Personal Hygiene and Chronic Illness

Bathing has become an ordeal for me.  I can’t shower now because I can’t stand up that long and I can’t raise my hands above my head.  So I take baths.  But doing a full bath – like washing my hair and shaving my legs – takes forever and is exhausting.  I have to rest for hours afterward.  So I am constantly looking for easier, better, energy-saving ways to perform personal hygiene tasks. Below are a few practical suggestions I (and others) have followed at various levels of illness to make bathing and personal hygiene easier.  I hope some of them work for you too.

Coping With Chronic Illness - 3 Ways To Advance In A New Direction

Accepting our illnesses is not a sign of failure.  It does not mean we give up.  We simply advance in a new direction.

It is true we may have lost much.  (See It’s Ok To Grieve Your Losses.)  However, we also need to understand what is still there.   Here is a plan of action for moving forward.

Evaluate your condition

•    Think of what you need to alter and then seek to change what is changeable.  This will help you reclaim some control.  (Some things you may be able to change are diet, sleep habits, mental attitudes, household arrangements, healthcare, work, exercise, daily activities, the way you get around, the way you care for yourself, etc...  With the help of loved ones, perhaps you could set up some systems or strategies to help you accomplish what you can’t do alone.  See also the posts under Energy Economy for suggestions on changing what is changeable.)

Coping with Chronic Illness. Accepting Reality - What It Does Not Mean.

Accepting reality does not mean giving up hope 

I want to be clear.  Letting go of the dream and accepting reality does not mean giving up hope.  It does not mean giving up on life.  And it does not mean that what we can do now won’t change in the future.  It is a tricky balance, I know.  But, never, never mistake being reasonable for giving up.  

Accepting reality is not failure.  It may feel like that at first.  But that is not what it is.  It is advancing in a new direction.  Because we can only move forward when we have accepted what we have to work with.  

So, you have finally started to see your reality and you have realized that this dream or goal is damaging to you or your family, or is simply unattainable.  Can you substitute a more reasonable goal that will keep you in line with what you love, but actually be possible for you?  We want to do our best.  That is all that the people who love us expect from us.  

Energy Economy - 14 Suggestions For Cleaning House While Chronically Ill

Arggg.  This can be a very frustrating problem when you have physical limitations.  In the end, we may just have to settle for less than best in this area.  I don’t claim to have all the answers.  I certainly am not able to do all the cleaning myself.  But, these suggestions have helped me and others I know to do as much as we can.

Coping With Chronic Illness - Let Go Of The Dream, Accept Reality, And Be Happy (It Breaks Your Heart And Then Rebuilds It)

Why cherishing the dream is counterproductive:

 

In my last post I wrote about my efforts to be real with myself and others and to stop lying.  Part of telling the truth and letting go of the lie has involved giving up some of my dreams and perceptions of myself.  

I had unrealistic expectations and I pushed myself to reach them no matter my level of health.  And when I failed over and over I berated myself horribly.  I couldn’t seem to give them up.  I couldn’t’ let myself see my reality much less learn to accept it.

The trouble was that I still retained the expectations and goals I had when I was healthy.