Coping With Chronic Illness - Let Go Of The Dream, Accept Reality, And Be Happy (It Breaks Your Heart And Then Rebuilds It)

Why cherishing the dream is counterproductive:

 

In my last post I wrote about my efforts to be real with myself and others and to stop lying.  Part of telling the truth and letting go of the lie has involved giving up some of my dreams and perceptions of myself.  

I had unrealistic expectations and I pushed myself to reach them no matter my level of health.  And when I failed over and over I berated myself horribly.  I couldn’t seem to give them up.  I couldn’t’ let myself see my reality much less learn to accept it.

The trouble was that I still retained the expectations and goals I had when I was healthy. 
I expected that I should be able to pursue my dream of full time volunteer work.  I expected that I would be able to provide for myself, like a normal 20-something young woman.  And I had other dreams and expectations which I won’t go into.

Don’t get me wrong, my dreams and goals were good.  If I possibly could I would be doing these things.  But I can’t.  And over time I have discovered at least three problems with cherishing an unrealistic-for-you dream.

•    One is that you are never happy.  You are not happy with yourself, with your accomplishments and your abilities.  You can’t find any peace in your situation.  And you are not happy with other people.  You get jealous and judgmental.  You begin to expect too much of them.

•    Another problem is that it keeps you from being able to reach your full potential and be useful in the situation you are actually in, not the situation you want. 

•    And third, you become mean to yourself.  I told myself horrible things (I was lazy, unlovable, useless, boring, worthless,  un-spiritual, and a burden to my family).  And I did horrible things to myself.  I pushed myself to the breaking point, to the point of near death multiple times.  And then I told myself more mean things.

I was doing real damage to my mind and my body by not adapting my dreams and perceptions to my reality.  That is the point.

Making the change (i.e. breaking my heart):

After another very bad relapse I was determined that this time I would make changes and stay changed, even when I regained some mobility. I did not want to go back to my old ways of expecting more than I could give and pushing until I dropped because I knew that eventually I would not be able to get back up. 

The change had to take place in my mind.  So, I began telling myself the truth and trying to really see my situation.  It can be a trial and error issue.  Sometimes you can only understand what you can no longer do after trying to do it and failing.  Or maybe you succeeded, but the toll it took was not worth it.  But after some trial and error, and regret, I started to be able to make educated decisions.  

When I finally started accepting the reality of my situation there was a grieving process involved.  It made me incredibly sad and angry to let go of the person I thought I should be and my unattainable dreams for the future.  Grieving is part of coming to terms (see the post Coping With Chronic Illness – It’s OK to Grieve Your Losses).

It did, indeed, feel like I was breaking my own heart, crushing a part of myself.  But it’s like setting a bone.  Sometimes you have to break it to set it properly.

I had to retrain my brain to think in different patterns.  Every time the old thought or dream pops into my head I try to reason with myself, talk things through in my head.  And then I work to push it back out, replacing it with a new one.  (Replacing old dreams or thoughts with new ones is vital.  It is dangerous to leave a void.) 

This is not to say that we will never revisit our old ambitions.  There is nothing so reliable as change.  When I have small increases in health, I do examine myself to see if something new is possible or if one of my old goals is doable now.  The answer is sometimes yes but usually no.  I don't get so upset now.  I try to re-focus on what I can do. 

Letting go of the ideal is not a onetime job for me.  I constantly struggle to look at my reality and fight off the old thinking.  It is still a struggle, but I keep at it because I firmly believe that what I gain is more and better than what I am giving up.  This is the rebuilding of my heart, the healing of it.

What I gain from embracing reality and letting go of the ideal:

• Relief
• Fewer bouts of depression due to my illness
• Real appreciation for what I am able to do now
• Peace of mind.  I know I’m doing the best I can and I am now able to realize that I’m not bad, lazy, un-spiritual, unlovable, stupid, ugly, worthless (insert your own feeling), just because I can’t do what I thought I should.
• Less mourning over a relapse (because it doesn’t shock me so much)
• Better overall health because I am no longer injuring my body by expecting too much of it
• Better mental health because I don’t tell myself so many horrible things
• Better relationships with others – less jealousy and less judgment.
• More productive dreams – because I have new ones to replace the old ones that are manageable for me at my level of health. 
• More realistic expectations of myself

    As I have said, I am a work in progress.  But I like the direction I am headed in. 

We stand to gain a lot from accepting our reality.  But it certainly does not mean that we give up hope.  Coming up:  Accepting Reality – What It Does Not Mean.

This has been a difficult post for me to write, mostly because I feel that I am still working to fully understand this issue.  But, these are the conclusions I have drawn thus far.  Do you have any thoughts on this subject?  Won’t you share them?

You may also enjoy:

Coping with chronic illness – How to be a Good Friend WhileChronically Ill

Coping With Chronic Illness – Knowledge is Power

Coping With Chronic Illness –2 Reasons Why Lying Keeps You Sick

Coping With chronic illness – Cultivate other interests

And the Energy Economy series - with helpful suggestions on things like food, shopping, clothing, leaving the house, dealing with people, etc...