Coping With Chronic Illness - Caring Too Much What People Think Keeps You Sick

It is a natural human desire to fit in, to be respected, to be loved.  We naturally care what others think about us.  And that is not wrong.  But there comes a point when we care too much. 

For people with chronic illness just getting out of bed or out of the house very difficult.  We may worry about looking weird to others or worry about their opinion of us.

Have you ever had one of these thoughts / fears?

·         They will think I’m lazy

·         They will think I’m faking / malingering / they won’t believe me.

·         They will think I am looking for attention

·         They will think I am worthless

·         They will pity me

·         They will think I’m contagious

·         They will not view me as good marriage material

·         They will say unkind things

·         They will say things that hurt my feelings, even if they are trying to be nice

·         They will want to give medical advice

·         They will ask prying questions and make me feel under attack or uncomfortable

·         They will think I am weird

·         They will think I am a wimp

·         They will think I am unappealing

·         They will blame me or my loved ones

·         They will gossip about me

·         I might cry in front of them

·         I might faint, collapse, fall, seize in front of them

·         Fill in your own reason

For myself, I was terrified of people knowing I was sick.  I was afraid of their reactions, afraid to be viewed as broken, afraid of the questions, opinions, misconceptions and gossip.  I didn’t want to have to explain it over and over again.  I didn’t want the responsibility of having to convince them I was ill.  I’m not good at that.  And it’s really not fair.  

So, I tried to hide my symptoms.  People knew there was a something wrong, I couldn’t hide it completely.  But most had not a tiny inkling of how bad it could be.  They just didn’t see me for weeks or months (or years) when it was that bad.

I guess hiding it is a kind of coping mechanism.  I guess it’s OK as far as it goes.  But what happens when you can’t hide it anymore?  What happens when your worst nightmare becomes a reality and everyone and their brother knows you are sick?  That is what I am having to figure out now.

And what I have figured out is that I care too much.  

So why does caring too much keep us sick?

·         If we are in public, it keeps us from doing what is necessary for our health (like laying down, using a wheelchair, wearing different clothes, taking  a rest, propping our feet up, not volunteering for an activity we can’t do,  wearing gloves or a face mask, etc… )  But refusing to take care of ourselves in public can lead to serious complications afterward.  Is looking “normal” really worth a relapse? 

·         It can keep us prisoners in our houses.  We might be afraid to leave just because we are afraid of what people will think of us.  It’s one thing when legitimate health problems keep us at home.  It’s another thing if we hold ourselves back because we are afraid to be seen.  (I’m not talking about panic attacks and other anxiety disorders – which are themselves legitimate health problems.)

·         It sometimes holds us back from doing things we enjoy or pursuing goals that are attainable because we are afraid they will think we’re faking if we are able to do anything at all.  But that is really not fair.  We should be able to cherish any activity that we can reasonably do.  Our lives have enough limits.

·         We might feel we have to convince people we are sick because it’s not plainly visible.  But trying to convince someone who is not inclined to believe us is a colossal waste of energy and emotion.  It does not work.  This can further distress us and make us even more afraid of others.  It can also keep us too focused on the negatives of our illness.

·         We push too hard to do certain things because that is what’s expected, not what we can really do.  That, in turn, makes us even more sick.  So we can do even less.  It is vital to distinguish between what is expected/accepted and what is really important.  They are not always connected.

I’m going to repeat that once more for emphasis.  What is expected or accepted is not always what is actually important or necessary.  We need to distinguish between the two.

·         It creates a great deal of anxiety and stress, which further taxes our body reserves.

·         You’re so scared of what other people think you lose sight of what YOU think.  That means you have lost who YOU are.  We are designed to be individuals.  We will all have similarities of course.  But we are not all the same person.  You need to be your own person or life doesn’t seem much worth living.

·         We become immobilized/paralyzed.  Fear keeps you from being able to move forward in any direction.  It keeps you stuck exactly where you are.

·         Caring too much what others think of us makes us very self-absorbed.  It’s strange because we're caring so much about others.  But we're actually not caring so much about them.  We care what they are thinking about us.  There’s a difference. Being so self- absorbed is not good for our mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical health. 

Caring too much about the opinions of others is obviously an uncomfortable situation.  It is limiting and can even be detrimental to our health.  So what can we do to overcome this way of thinking?  That’s what we will explore in the following post on this subject:  Caring Too Much What People Think – How To Overcome It.

In the meantime do you have anything to share?  Have you ever cared too much what people thought?  What form did your fear take?  How do you feel this contributes to your illness?

Other Coping With Chronic Illness posts: 

It's OK to grieve your losses
Knowledge is power
Do not eat, breathe, and sleep your illness
Part 1 - Friendship is a basic human need (the dilemma)
Part 2 - Friendship is a basic human need (who can be a friend?)
Part 3 - Friendship is a basic human need (10 ways to be a good friend while chronically ill)
Part 4 - Friendship is a basic human need (How to be a friend to a friend who is chronically ill)
2 Reasons why lying keeps you sick
Let go of the dream, accept reality, and be happy (it breaks your heart and then rebuilds it)
Accepting reality - what it does NOT mean
3 Ways to advance in a new direction
18 Ways to ward off sadness
I Can't Do It Alone
Talk.  And Talk Some More.
You Do Not Need To Justify Your Existence
Coping with Chronic Illness - Dealing with Its Unpredictable Nature

Coping With Chronic Illness - Other People Have Problems Too
When I have no brain and no body

Energy Economy posts:

How to get food into our mouths while chronically ill part 1
Food part 2
Food part 3
Grocery shopping and chronic illness
Wardrobe considerations for the chronically ill - part 1
Wardrobe considerations for the chronically ill - part 2
15 suggestions for Leaving the house while chronically ill
14 suggestions for cleaning the house while chronically ill
Personal hygiene and chronic illness
Dealing with people while chronically ill
12 Ways to simplify your grooming and dressing routines
10 Ways to COPE with Cognitive Dysfunction (Brain Fog, Fibro Fog)  
10 Ways to COMBAT Cognitive Dysfunction (Brain Fog, Fibro Fog)