Coping With Chronic Illness - I Am Not Lazy

I'm not Lazy, I'm sick.

I can’t tell you how many past journal entries started with, “I’m so tired.  I feel so lazy” followed by pages and pages beating myself up for everything I wasn’t doing and describing in detail exactly why I was lazy.  

And of course there was the requisite new schedule on the last page, drawn up and ready to help me use my time wisely.  Every moment of the day accounted for.

I didn’t know myself or my illness very well then.  I know them better now, though, and this is what I have discovered:

I am not lazy.

In fact I love to work.  I love to be busy.  I love to use my body.  I love to use my mind.  I admire and enjoy being industrious.  And the moment I have an ounce of energy I use it all up – cleaning, cooking, organizing, working, communicating with people, studying – doing something.

I am not lazy.  I am ill.

I'm not Lazy, I'm sick

Understanding this helps me so much (It only took me 13 years).  Because when I am really, really ill I have no motivation.  I can’t do anything and I don’t WANT to do anything.  This is why I was confused for so long.  

But learning more about my illness has helped me understand that when a person is so physically depleted they have no reserves mentally or emotionally either.  Of course they have no motivation to do anything, they do not have the energy even to be motivated.

When I have the slightest bit of energy, trust me, I am motivated.  I have learned to trust myself with this.  If I don’t feel like doing something I ought to do it is because I am too tired to do it.   Because in general I feel happy doing the things I ought to do.  I feel satisfied and content.  I want to do these things.  If I don’t want to do it – it is because I can’t.

Appearances can be deceptive

I'm not Lazy, I'm Sick

I realize that I may appear to be lazy to others as I sit on the couch and let other people bring me food or clean up after dinner.  But the fact is that with every move I make there is a price to be paid.  My mind is constantly spinning with equations (ironic since I am bad at math).  

With everything I do I am calculating what I will have to give up later, how long I need to rest after, whether or not I will pay for it, if so, how long, and will it be worth it.  (If I appear distracted on occasion this is possibly the reason why.)

The point is, appearances can be deceptive.  I am not lazy, I am ill.  When I am able to live a semi-normal life I do so.  I do get up and help with dishes, I fill my own plate, sometimes I make my own food.  I enjoy cleaning and cooking.  I enjoy working.  

If there is someone in your life who has a chronic illness – give them the benefit of the doubt.  You may have no idea the toll it is taking on them.  As a breed, ill people are not lazy.  In fact, many of us are ill partially because we were so hard working.  Please, don’t judge only by appearances.

If you have a chronic illness and you still feel lazy, please give yourself the benefit of the doubt.  You may not fully understand the toll illness is taking on you either.  (Do some more research.  Remember knowledge is power. ) But I don’t even know you and I believe that you are ill, not lazy.

We should do what we can when we actually can.  We should give ourselves a break when we can’t. The End.  Take a deep breath.  Now let it out.  It is OK.

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